365QOD- Day1057

A Formula For Happiness

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."- Abraham Lincoln

God bless the PBS drives.  It is during these drives that I always get to see an unusual programs that I never seem to see the rest of the year. This was also true the other day when I caught a portion of Deepak Chopra's happiness seminar.

I did not see most of it but one slide he presented was full of wisdom.  With the slide he presented a formula for happiness.  It was made up three pieces.

The first piece is SetPoint in the Brain. According to Deepak, our brain's own happiness set point makes up anywhere from 40-50% of our overall happiness level.  In other words, our own internal belief of how happy we are makes up almost half of our actual level of happiness.  The old saying, "misery loves company" should become, "Happiness leads to more happiness."  Lincoln's quote specifically identifies this set point as the key to happiness.

The second piece is Conditions of Living.  He believes that it contributes 7-12% towards our level of happiness.  If you are struggling to meet ends meet then this places a burden on your mind and leads to less happiness.  So put your financial, work, and home life in order and your happiness score goes up by 10%.

Last piece that makes up happiness is Voluntary Choices.  Deepak believes that this part contributes 40-50% towards our happiness level.  So if we make bad choices we can not expect good results.  If we make good choices we can not guarantee good results BUT they become more likely to lead to our happiness level improving.

All together the formula is
Happiness= SetPoint in the Brain + Conditions of Living + Voluntary Choices

What is interesting about this formula is, that when you pull back and examine the three pieces, we are in charge of all three pieces.  We can set our happiness set point higher by exposing ourselves to positive inputs continuously.  Slowly we can change our living conditions to be better by attacking each area of our lives and nudging it to a better state.  In the end we can not expect overnight to reach nirvana overnight but choice by choice we can improve our choices and the level of happiness.

Today's question is:
"How happy are you based on your set point, conditions, and choices?"

365QOD- Day893

"A man once told Buddha, 'I Want Happiness. ' Buddha replied, ' First, remove the 'I'; that is ego. Then remove the 'Want'; that is desire.  And now all you're left with is Happiness'" - wisdom

I read this quote this morning and immediately saw the wisdom.  We often want things without knowing the reason.

By parsing the sentence, the teacher illustrates that the true need is buried deep in the request. Once the ego is removed you see the action 'want happiness.'  Then when one removes the desire  the action is no longer needed.  What we are left with is the true need: Happiness. This is a need that can be fulfilled simply by being.

Rewrite the story with 'I want a new watch' and remove the ego and desire and all that is left is new watch.  But is it the watch or the ability to tell time that is the true need?  If it is the watch then it is most likely not a need but a fashion want.  If it is the ability to tell time then a phone or an inexpensive watch will fulfill the need.

In the end, the two stories teach us to make sure to strip away everything but the true need.

Today's question is:
"How do you determine a true need?  "

365QOD- Day733

“Do you want me to smile on a Monday?” – Actual question posed to me

My answer is no.  I can not make you do anything.  You are an adult and have control of yourself.  If you do not want to smile then you will not.

I believe that Mondays are critical to team effectiveness.  I put on my best smiley face on Mondays.  Why?

Spring of 1993 I suffered four major setbacks that each occurred on a Monday.  I was responsible for several shops and all of the equipment in them.  On Monday morning I would show up before 7 and the technicians would tell me how they needed my help to troubleshoot a machine that they had been working on all weekend.  I would spend the day and at the end of the day the machine was still not fixed.

Demoralized I went home to open my mail and discover that I had been rejected from another Ph.D. program.  I would then shower and get ready to go teach my first engineering class. 

After this had happened for four weeks in a row, I remember lecturing in front of 75 people and one of the students, David Zajakala, asking me if I was all right.  He pointed out that I am not the same guy that started the class. It dawned on me that I had let these Monday experiences affect my teaching. 

It was that night that I made a wow to myself to never have a bad Monday.  I realized that it affected not only me but other people around me.  I chose positivity, especially on Mondays.

Today’s question is:

“How do you begin your Mondays?”

365QOD- Day675

"Fill up on every experience life has in store.  It's your life, and it's right in front of you.  You can't save it for later, so get down to cleaning your plate and licking your fingers.  Taste what life has to offer. Savor it. Enjoy the feast!"- Rosario Dawson

Feast on your life! Savor it!... Hell most of our lives are lived so busy that we do not ever chew it.  We just swallow it.  All this and we do not even simply taste it.

To me the only way to do the things that she advises is to include the pause between things.  To say stop for a minute and think about what you just went through.  It is easy to say BUT very difficult to continuously repeat.

Today's question is:
"Are you enjoying your life feast?"

365QOD- Day639

“I am scared.” – something that is true for all of us

I watched a History channel special on Andrew Carnegie.  In it one former CEO stated that people who achieve greatness do not necessarily fear less but act more despite it.  The tenth thing we need to stop doing is Fearing in order to be happier.

Fear places us in the past or the future.  Neither of those periods are controllable.  We can not rewrite the past or completely predict the future.  So accept that the only thing that we can change is the Now. 

The now is where we live, if we chose, and as long as we focus on action then fear can not exist.  It is the focus on action that removes the fear.  Do not focus on your abilities.  As the old saying goes. “Just do it”

Today’s question is:

“How do you force yourself to act in the Now?”

365QOD- Day638

“But what about when we could do X?” – caught up in the past

Humans by design do not handle change well.  When confronted with it we tend to want to dwell in the past.  Ninth thing we must stop doing in order to be happier is to stop Dwelling.

Change is the only constant in the universe.  Accept it. Love it. Nurture it. Believe in it because it often leads to a better place.  Yes it is hard to believe.

When you fail at something, do not dwell on it. Accept the change and figure out how to move forward again.  Do not waste your energy on the idea that change or failure has occurred.

Today’s question is:

“What are you dwelling on?”

365QOD- Day637

“Amen” – a word of agreement

Often we want others to do what we want them to do.  We believe this so strong that we are willing to preach to them until they see the light.  Eight thing we need to stop doing is Preaching.

So where does preaching come from?  Often when we succeed at something we feel that we got a license to tell others what we think as if it should hold weight.  This is positional leadership and not true leadership.

As leaders we are often better off if we listen to the input from others and get consensus to move forward.  Yes at times we will have to make the final decision that no one likes but that is life.  Preaching limits you.  You are not learning what others know but simply believing that what you know is superior.

Today’s question is:

“What if you preach and they do not see the light?”

365QOD- Day636

“No not that way!” – a critique

Seventh thing to stop doing in order to be happier is to stop Criticizing.  We are all guilty of this.

Why? Because we believe that we can do it better than anyone else.  We have the experience, the education, the know how to get the job done the way it should be done.

Surprising when you give people the vision of where you want to go how often you are surprised by results better than you would have gotten. Why? Because, like you, people have different experiences and education and can produce results that might be better than yours.  You never know until you stop criticizing and allow them to attempt to exceed your expectations.

I do believe that you have to set the vision and the expectations BUT allow them the freedom to execute it their way.  This gives them pride of ownership.  If you meddle then you are critiquing and will never be given the gift of them exceeding your expectations.

Today’s question is:

“Can you go for one day without criticizing anyone?”

365QOD- Day635

“I want this to happen” – my words to myself

In yesterday’s post I talked about whining.  Well, the sixth thing to stop doing in order to be happier is to stop Controlling.

The whining story was really my effort to control who ultimately did the work.  I trusted the first vendor and did not think that others could successfully complete the work.  Well, I was wrong.

By giving away control I got the result that I ultimately wanted: success.  I am very good at delegating to people who work with me BUT external vendors do not get the same level of trust.  I have been burned before.

In this instance I had no choice but to give up a little control.  In a sense the result was that I learned who amongst several vendors can come through in a pinch if I need them.  Great information!

Today’s question is:

“Do you sometimes give up controlling a situation?”

365QOD- Day634

“But Dad..” – a child’s whining words

Fifth thing to stop doing in order to be happier is to stop Whining.  We all whine at one time or another when we don’t get what we want.

The whining stems from not liking a result that is to occur.  The best advice I can offer is to accept the result and ask yourself how to make it a little better.  That small nudge can go a long way.

Last year I wanted a single vendor to do a lot of work for me during a major outage.  Well, I whined and whined and still could not get my way.  Once I decided to make it a little better I accepted that my best option was to divide the work amongst several vendors.  THANK God I did not get my way because the original vendor could not do all of the work I needed done and would have left me in a very bad situation. 

Today’s question is:

“Could a small nudge away from the undesired result change it for better?”

365QOD- Day633

“Wait… BUT… “ – a person who is not listening

Fourth thing we need to stop doing in order to be happier is Interrupting.  

We all want to be heard.  If however you are ready with a response then you are not truly listening.

I am guilty of this some times.  The reason I believe we do this is the belief that our point negates the point the other person is making.  In a sense we are trying to top them.

We have to remember that we know what we know BUT we do not know what the other person knows.  It is amazing how much one’s listening improves when we expect to learn something from the other person.  Perk up your ears and get smarter.  They know what you do not know.

As Covey urged us, first seek to understand before you are understood.

Today’s question is:

“Do you believe that other people hold important information for you?”

365QOD- Day632

“I can’t live without you” – an overstatement

In order to be happier the third thing to stop is Clinging.   

Why do we cling on to people and things?  It is something or someone we know.  It takes a willingness to accept the coming change to move towards it.  

But what if the things we hold onto are not particularly good for us?  We just cling because we know them.  It is fear and/or insecurity.  Fear and insecurity are not happiness.  The absence of these leads to happiness.

Let go of clinging in order to experience new things and people.

Today’s question is:

“Do you cling on to thing for too long?”

365QOD- Day631

“Wow, that is impressive!” – a comment that makes one feel good

The second thing we need to stop doing in order to be happier is to stop Impressing people.  You are not the job, the place you live, the car you drive, the possessions you have.  You are you.

Unfortunately most people do not know how to “Do You”.  They always want what others have and believe that once they have that one external gratification their world will be complete. 

I believe that no one thing can improve my life and that impressing people is very shallow.  By understanding me I should be able to make better decisions in my life than trying to impress someone else that might not even like me in the first place.

Work on yourself and work on the tasks in front of you to the best of your ability.  Control the NOW by being present and you will never feel the need to impress others.

Today’s question is:

“How do you control the now?”

365QOD- Day630

“It is not my fault” – commonly heard

I recently read an article in Inc. called Be Happier: 10 Things to Stop Doing Right Now.   I would like to over time discuss each of these.

In order to be happier, the first thing to stop doing is Blaming.   By blaming others you are giving away control.  You can not change your situation if someone else is to blame for it.  It seems obvious but it is so easy to blame our problems on someone else.

I remember asking my son Milan, when he was little(7-8), to stand in front of me and to make a very angry face.  He did.  Then I asked him if he could smile like I gave him a $100 bill.  He did.  Lastly, I asked him who had made him make the angry or happy face.  His answer was that he made those. 

So if a small child can conclude that why is that as adults we have a problem with simply taking responsibility and creating a plan to improve a situation.

Notice the R and P words: responsibility and plan. 

Today’s question is:

“Can you handle the R and P?”

365QOD- Day622

"The purpose of life is to disperse energy"- Scott D. Sampson

I am a believer that in life our joy is tried directly to our energy.  What I put my energy towards either re-charges or depletes me.

If I need to change the happiness level of my day, I simply need to write a post or two and the day magically gets better.  Why?  Because creativity is the primary way I experience joy.

If I find that people are draining me, then I need to step away from everyone and experience joy by myself.
Then I can go back and spend time with others and re-charge them.

Today's question is:
"What re-charges you?"

365QOD-Day544

"Is it possible to pursue happiness if the pursuit itself does not make you happy?"- from the book I moved Your Cheese

This question is very difficult to answer.  If it was about the pursuit of anything else then one would simply stop pursuing the goal.  BUT there is something very different about happiness.

I believe that many people go through life unhappy.  It is not the place they live, the place they work, or the million other pieces of their lives.  They are just unhappy.  They do not appreciate what they have and no matter what they get will still be unhappy.

For someone to pursue happiness then they must have decided that 1. it was missing or 2. they were not happy enough and need more of it.  In either case you would not be unhappy about the pursuit.

Using this logic then the quote above has to be false.  I do believe that we can always improve our level of happiness. If I am having an average "happiness" day then all I have to do is write a blog post or two and it improves.  Although it is not a continuous happiness pursuit for me, I am able to nudge it towards a higher level of happiness. 

Today's question is:
"Are you happy with your life or do you need a nudge?"

365QOD-Day463

"I don't have to know everything, if you can figure out everything" - advice

Laura Vanderkam, All the Money in the World, author's third premise is that
"Every dollar is a choice.  How I earn it and spend it If I want more than I have now to achieve big goals, I can figure a way to get it."

A few years ago I wrote out what I wanted to make next year and within the next two years.  Everyone of my desires was in writing and it came true within the period of time.  Amazing!

Note that I had not just set my mind to a goal BUT followed it with actions to get to the next level.  I had to raise my level in order to reach the next level.

One of the reasons why I did not become a doctor is because they memorize a lot of facts.  As an engineer I have to believe in myself that I can figure it out.  As a cREATOR(with a small c) I can create what I need to get to the goal.

Today's question is:
"Do you believe in yourself enough that you can figure out a way to get what you want?"

365QOD-Day462

"I don't have to know everything, if you can figure out everything" - advice

Laura Vanderkam, All the Money in the World, author's second premise is that
"If I want more than I have now to achieve big goals, I can figure a way to get it."

A few years ago I wrote out what I wanted to make next year and within the next two years.  Everyone of my desires was in writing and it came true within the period of time.  Amazing!

Note that I had not just set my mind to a goal BUT followed it with actions to get to the next level.  I had to raise my level in order to reach the next level.

One of the reasons why I did not become a doctor is because they memorize a lot of facts.  As an engineer I have to believe in myself that I can figure it out.  As a cREATOR(with a small c) I can create what I need to get to the goal.

Today's question is:
"Do you believe in yourself enough that you can figure out a way to get what you want?"

365QOD-Day461

"People are happiest about money operate under three premises of wealth, a word that has less to do with quantity than with outlook"- Laura Vanderkam, All the Money in the World

The first premise is
"I have enough.  There are some people in this world who have more, but also plenty with less"

To me it is easy to believe this statement.  I live in a studio apartment.  I have plenty of space.  When I lived in a two bedroom apartment I had more space BUT I am now content with my studio apartment.

I realize that there are people that have homes that measure several thousand square feet.  God bless them.  I wish them a bigger house and more stuff.  No I am not being funny. 

There are also people who would look at my small studio and consider it large.  Maybe even a large family would be able to occupy the same space.  I also wish them a bigger house and more stuff.

I have enough.

Today's question is:
"Do you have enough?"

365QOD-Day416

"...He(Alex Michalos) argues that people establish a perceived satisfaction based upon comparing three gaps:
1. What you have vs. what you want
    (I want a beautiful green grass)
2. What you have vs. what you think other people have
    (The neighbor's grass is greener)
3. What you have vs. the best experience of what you've had in the past
    (I don't like AtroTurf. I miss my old grass)
Chip adds...
4. What you have vs. what you feel you deserve
    (I have been working my tail off for this grass)"- Chip Conely

Note that I modified the paragraph above slightly to put it in the form I need.

You can almost see this as an equation:
PerceivedSatisfaction= a*(What you have/what you want)
                                     +b*(What you have/What you think other people have)
                                     +c*(What you have/The best experience of what you've had in the past)
                                     +d*(What you have/What you feel you deserve)

I believe that the four gaps do not carry an equal weight.  Some multipliers(a,b,c, and d could add up to 100 with the terms being at most a ratio of 1) could be used but that is of slight importance to you.  I do think that having a laminated index card that you carry around to remind yourself when in the midst of a situation would be helpful.

Today's question is:
"What is your perceived satisfaction score at this moment?"